i really hate myself

god damn son of a bitch!the past 4 days i was in bed constantly fighting for my life for some reasons.and i realli had a goood thought about my life.i fucking hate my past.i realli realli hate it.walking around in groups,doing things that are 'cool' and such shit.i fuckin regret.i was goin thru this fb pics and saw this. boy who was about 13 or 14 but was having a birthdae celebration with all his members it seems.its all not true.there will come a time where he will realise all the people are not true.and i did not cherish the person 4 years ago when she told me to leave everything.now she is gone iwthout a trace and dust,i fuckin regret every single thing i did in the past.but i cant change any damn thing now.i dunno how to face anyone whom i have hurt in th past.sometimes now i wish i become like that,have a fuck care attitude and all,but i just cannot.i have started to think and realise that all these is not going to bring me nowhere.but as they say no point crying over spilt milk,every fucking day is like a constant fear where i will meet someone in the past and a small talk with them will dgar me back to them again.i do not want to do any of these shit anymore.these few months,after the incident happened,thats when i started to think if i was not a good human at all...i just dunno..i regret.realli regret.all i need is one chance.i never know if i can ever get the one chance.but me and my brother rafiq are both regretting and it is because of one heartbreak we had in the past that made us like that now.just when i tot i found a rite one,life proved me it is not a bed of roses.deep outside i smile.but deep inside,it hurts truely hurts.no one hurt me more.may be i should have just kept quiet and shut the hell up about the dirty past.forget it.i just wish for all to be happy.sorry i realli needed to get this off my chest.not intended for anyone.and elliot*a special thanks for keeping an eye on her.never expected you.thanks bro.

realli its time....

too tired to blog nowdays.have been coughing my lungs out.everyone has been asking me why have i changed so much and all when i dont feel anything.at least i pretend not to knoe.i am living in dreams and whenever ppl ask me to wake up i say no.i do not want to wake up.everything is being a routine.2 weeks school holidays.lucki there is sports camp and then i am workin all the way.no rest.i do not wana rest.i just wana tire myself,exhaust and then be too tired to think.driving has been a irritating thing where test is concerned.has talked to the owner for buying bike.but was thinking of changing bike cause will definately take outt a bigger bike when i get my class 2?so now have to save money.then putting aside for car also.planning for swift.but dunno.told coach i do not wana be part of security crew in YOG anymore.withdraw my name.too much of a hazzle for the trainings with police and all.....training has been goin fine.coach told me that if i cant be myself then no point comin back cause i have softened...i think after dec tournament will give up boxing.....how long am i goin to be involved in high contact sports...?given the nonsense i think its best i leave it.gotta study properly....trying to switch my life to an 19 years old poly student.never gona get involved in chit like i did cause i realised thats wat that made me into this state.thanks god...

st gabriels boys

i will never forget this day.the things that happened and how we supported each other(:
chandra,jian sheng,cheng yang,chee wee,me,wayne,jason riswan,faisal,koon chow,vicky.(:

its been a while since i left sec school and i miss it alot.like seriously if anyone gives me a chance for me to stay in poly or go back,i will go back without any hestitaion.all the chowing of lessons and sitting outside school and just to make the school know our presence.goin to bishan sec after school and then getting into trouble with guang yang sec and catholic high school boys.haiss.i realli miss it.yesterdae when i was comin back,i saw anne low.when she first came into my school,the first class she took was mine.so met her coincidentally and we were talkin about the nonsense at amk hub.i felt realli sad when she told me how the school is now.she siad she do not like the school as much as she did.i was shocked.she said no more clowns to remix the national anthems by students,no more funny quarrels between teacher and students,no more public caning and all.she said the school is moving towards a acedemic goal.i am glad to hear that.she even said until now our manes are being spoken in staff room of how we made the school nonsentical.one thing she said she will not forget is the one where the last day of school we broke the fire alarm and ran to class.hahahha.i completely forgot about it.its damn funny..all those lower sec will know who did it but do not dare to tell it.haiss.so mani things we normal acedemic did together as a school.and end up we were in the loosing end..although i enjoy each and every bit of secondary school,i just wished one percent that i should not have been like that cause it is those mischieves that brought me into one after and another and i had so much problems.even when i wanted to change,i could not cause the name has been black marked and in order to go on,we had to do our nonsense..hahahhahaha!but still we had alot of dirty and clean fun.but i dun care.i love my sec school and that it.being a boy's schoool we had the best times of walkin half naked and when sjc girls came our school,it was marked as a hell for them ..hhhahaha.shooting ice at them and screaming along the walkways.......i miss it......and ang mo kio riders.all thats left outside is me.all of us are sepreated..gone case peeeps.i miss my bike.where we would just go out anytime and all of us would be under the block at all time.i just miss ang mo kio alot.when i used to stay there.now its like a very new place whn i go there.everything has changed.i may sound damn old but its just that i experienced all these crap when i was young and now just at the age of 19,i know the outcome of people who engage in all these nonsense....now when i go t ang mo kio i am all alone which is precisely the reason i do not step in there.but vicky is getting released in another 1 year.then faisal would have completed his ns.and then its time for us to reunite.thats the time i am waiting since sec 3.....