why was i really born for???

nowdays i try to be happy and all and be myself.life has been reallly rotating more with poly friends then me using to sit in coffeeshop and rotting away..loll.just came back from 401 after meeting martyn,leah,stuart and raj.met stuart under his blog first then we walk.i really had no mood to talk.as in not cause of him,as in cause the places were once that held memories.recent ones to be exact and the ironic part is that it has nothing to do with 401.i no more walk like own the place and scream and shout and make noise at passer by's.i just had the no mood feeling and feeling its time to change.stuart was talkin to me but sorry stuart my mind wasnt with me.went punggol park.tried to make noise but we really all know it wasnt myself.the thing is they were tryin to act happy for me and i was acting to make them happy.i think i have to do it so i can actually have a piece of mind for everyone.if not its goin to affect me and i am afraid.seriously afraid.its way too much hurtful..but god knows what am i thinking about.day by day i get so mcuh thoughts,so much feelings and all but nothing is true...after all even shadows disapear in the dark.so no point sayin nothing is truthful.i guess nothing can be a substitute.but i have learned a valuable lesson of whom have stayed with me when i needed support and who claimed to be by my side but were actually hypocrites.lets see how it goes alrite?however i have my will and skills to overcome!i will!no more yellow pills i promise!no need..okies.my brains is not workin at all!good nites